Lets say I made plans, (I did.), but my mum canceled them. I tried my ways around her rules, there’s still one little trick I will try later but I doubt it will work..

So, we can say that by now I gave up on trying to get it my way and here I am, in bed in underwear, messy hair, and no wish for living. 

Mum at least tried to make me come with her somewhere as now I don’t have my own plans, but I declined the offer. What is my master plan? If she does not let me go where I planned to I will simply stay in my room the whole afternoon (which I’m doing), staring at computer screen playing mind numbing online games. She doesn’t like that either. But I am really hoping that it will make her feel horrible seeing me so “miserable” by my own on New years while everyone are somewhere having fun. I don’t even have to be on computer, I’ll might as well go to sleep.

In bed for past 2 hours, can’t fall asleep. (An addict, had 3 coffees that I made behind my mum’s backs just because I wouldn’t want her to think I’m actually an addict.. I’m not..) I badly wanna fall asleep and wake up when I’m 18, when high school is over, when I could live on my own, when I will actually care to be awake and live a little.

Not even mad anymore, tho. Just thinking fuck it. Ill sleep over and continue the pessimistic life :) Its just another day, who gives a crap. Expectations always drag you down.
Should I be sad, disappointed or mad? I swear I’m confused, no idea how should I feel.
Also I always do get what I want, and maybe even I will end up celebrating the New year’s eve the way I wanted it in the first place, but I don’t think that would make me happy either. See, someone recently pointed out to me how actually spoiled I am. Spoiled in a way that I always get what I want and that its very wrong of me, so I just don’t even feel like asking my mum to let me, I don’t even feel like trying.

I feel like staying in my bed wishing to get all this over with.

Good night, and happy New year!