How to describe guilt. It’s a feeling. Emotion. Something that could be described as a black hole. Or maybe better as a big chunk of something in your throat that you can’t swallow? Disgust towards yourself?

Have you ever done something so that it was eating you up and you couldn’t just easly get rid of that feeling? I don’t know what is wrong with my dreams lately but I feel like they are hardly turning against me. For the second time I dreamt that I cheated on my boyfriend. Sort of. I cheated before and I am not proud of it, but I never felt this kind of guilt. This dream, something about it killed me inside. I woke up and felt so bad, felt like I’ve killed someone, felt so quilty and disgusted with myself. Even though it was just a dream, I couldn’t get rid of this huge urge to go take a shower and wash that guilt off of myself.

The dream ended, I woke up, and guilt did not go away. It was just the beginning. Maybe something is messing up with me because I am sickish and I have a higher temperature. But whatever that it is, I don’t like it.

I feel like I’ve betrayed my boyfriend. That I’ve betrayed myself. I want to hug my partner, and I have this huge need to say sorry. I am so on the edge.. Edge of emotions? Just, edge.

I feel fucked up.

BUT HEY!

If I didnt feel fucked up at all, life would be very boring >.>

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