I just found myself eyes to eyes with the situation I didn’t EVER wanna face. My ex walking back into my life, ..while I’m having a boyfriend who I love — you can’t imagine how much. And my boyfriend’s biggest fear IS me walking away from him for my ex, because he is the one who stole me from ex in the first place and it was a long long battle.

My ex walking back into my life trying to make a connection. It was long distance relationship and we are an 2/3 hours airplane trip away. Literally, back into my life. Faced him eyes to eyes in a public building and before I managed to say anything I walked away nervously somewhere outside in the open, for some fresh air in a cold cloudy day. I hoped to clear my mind and organize my thoughts before I had to actually deal with him in person, while he followed me and stood in front of me expecting me to say something.

Now that’s my biggest fear. Not even spiders can top that; That my ex comes back into my life and makes me choose. He came like a gentleman, wasn’t even rushing me, just waited for me to make my mind. He did not say anything that would make me think of him as pushy and anxious, he just stood there looking at me, waiting for answer. Things I loved about him were pretty much everything except the way he treated me, but that was bad only because I treated him badly, too. And by showing up he made me have to choose, Choose between my heart’s desire – and a guy I appreciate, love and care about. Guy whose I am only hope in life left. Guy who is always here near me when I needed him. Guy who treats me best in the worst situations. Guy who is trying so hard about me even though I am still being a complete bitch, why are you trying? It makes me feel bad. I am so much worse person than him. And I would top that “worse” by million times if I left him for my ex after everything hes been through by getting me away from the same ex.

Why didn’t I get over? It’s been half year. Slowly I’m starting to believe that I never will, and I am so afraid.

What happens next? It doesn’t quite matter. What matters is that I saw him, heard a tone of his voice, and felt fucked up instantly because all the wars inside of me.

LUCKILY, it was just a dream. Because I don’t think I could face a situation like that in real life. I am happy that at the end I did not have to choose because I don’t think I could. And I am not going to question myself now awake because I can’t choose. It scares me. My ex is in the other part of the world and I don’t have to deal with him, I am grateful for that. If the distances changed, I believe the smartest decision and what I would actually do – is run away. Heart’s desire vs. possible love of your life?

It was just a dream. And I hope it stays that way.

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