Lemme just make a short intro;
So, I am either slowly gaining weight, starving myself to lose the gained weight, OR I’m actually maintaining my weight. Maintaining it by binge and purging, which is the worst.
I’ve been down to 63 kg this Summer. Went back to 66. Been living on an apple and several coffees for 3 past days (I’m at 64 kg right now)
School kept me busy, kept my mind off of food. Tuesday binged till I felt sick then purged all that really nicely, which encouraged me to stop feeling sorry for myself and go on that “diet”. I can’t go on diet without some sort of trigger or a breakdown.
Weekend came along, school ain’t keeping me busy no more.
Lunch time: Mum at home cooking; I ate, not a lot. Soup with veggies n meat. Not too much.
2 pm, notes:
“I feel hungry as fuck. Been an hour since I ate and I still can’t stop the wish to eat more. I’ve literally been fighting it through, hardly. Took me so much energy not to go to the kitchen.
I feel so… I don’t know.. So!
I’m literally becoming afraid of food more than ever. Can’t even go to the kitchen to make some coffee because my mum is there and she saw me had one in the morning.”
And I was also afraid not to eat. Like OK, I managed 3 days on lowest lows but no way I’d risk fainting or mum wondering why wont I eat. So afraid.
BUT THEN! The evening came. No entertainment, boyfriend out of town. Friends,.. far away. The inner me that was saying “no” started fading away, I couldn’t resist no more, I binged.
Half slice of bread, a little butter.. (Eat this really slowly.. it will last longer) Maybe half slice more, a bit of salami. (I’m already full, should I leave it back in the kitchen?) Make it a slice. (I really don’t need this. I can still stop and return it to the fridge. I’ve had just enough.) Some mayo, some more salami.. (Now you’re eating this just to eat it. You’re so full. Just leave it.) Some more mayo?
~I’ll stop here. Ate 2.5 slices of bread in total. Probably not as big binge as you thought it would be? But enough to make me feel disgusting, fat, weak, like I have no control over myself. Full. With each bite I kept telling myself “Stop, you’re full and you’re gonna regret it if you keep eating. You know it.” I literally had that inner voice talking to me, probably from all the weakness. I felt weak and I wanted to eat just a little bit to not go sick. But I couldn’t stop, even the voice came back and kept warning me.
Couldn’t lean on the toilet as a solution this time… I worked out the shit out of me. My heart felt as it wanted to jump out of my chest and legs almost couldn’t stand up from a squat. 20% of guilt gone?
On bed, writing this. I failed. Today I failed. If I could just make it up tomorrow by fasting, but I can’t. Mum is home only on weekends and she is going to be making a big lunch. Only if I didn’t binge now… I’m afraid.
I can’t believe I actually reached the part where I’m afraid of food. Afraid of feeling full.
This feeling will pass, but sometimes I just have these moments and they are not all really that little and harmless. Add to that that I would rather be fucked up than ordinary. Anything but ordinary.
Anorexia, you starve yourself. Bulimia, you binge and purge. You eat huge amounts of food until you’re sick and then you throw up. And anorexia, you just deny yourself. It’s about control.
Whats my definition? Where do I sort myself?