So this was a dream, but it was almost as reality.

Short intro; I’m from Croatia, eastern Europe, little place. 17 years old soon. My parents are divorced, mum is living with her boyfriend, and I am living in our old house with mum visiting me every now and then. I deserved her trust, I’m a good kid and shes the best mother, not to get any twisted thoughts.

Background; It was week day,

early morning. Croatia. Summer. And something hit me that I badly need to go to London to see my ex. I’ve missed that something about him, so much. And then, I just packed a backpack, took this little cash I’ve saved, and with no thinking or telling anyone I just left. Just like that.

I knew I didn’t have enough for airplane ticket. I wasted my saved up cash in April when I went there one last time, just before we broke up the 2 years old relationship. -So I took the bus. I paid the bus ticket, and I’ve been in London by the afternoon. Parallel to that, my mum is in Croatia, working. She wouldn’t visit me today anyway.

London; As I came there, first I wanted to take care of the transport back home. I went to one of those information windows at that bus station where I arrived, and there was this assistant of the bus driver just took over the shift. He was pretty messy and friendly, and I was pretty much cashless. I asked about the cheapest transport for Croatia tomorrow, and then I casually asked “Hey, my phone is out of battery. Would it be a problem if you would plug it in and if I’d stay around till its charged?” He didn’t hesitate at all and he even invited me in. It was like a dark little room behind him with just that one information window where he has a table and a chair. So I went in, and everything was messy, but it was inviting. We chatted a bit, then a bit more and then he suggested that I stay with him over night and that he could help me out around. He could get me on this bus tomorrow with which he is also going back in my direction. I did not quite know his story, but he was nice to me. You would think I am crazy for hanging around person like that, but its still better that than no roof over my head, which I did not really think about earlier.. And also my dad is that sloppy kind of person, but he has a good soul. That’s why I see good in people. This dude seemed to be like 25 or so.

Anyway, later same this day, we drove by his apartment to spend a night. I left my stuff there, and I went for a walk. I know London by now enough not to get lost. And to know where my ex lives. Luckily, it wasn’t too far away from the place where I was staying at. So, he, my ex, doesn’t have a clue that I am around. We’ve seen each other usually like twice a year, but those days are past. So I was just standing there by the edge of the street and looking at his building. I saw him. Through the window. I think he looked in my direction but did not see me. Or he did, but nothing happened except that my thoughts were going wild and there was a black hole around my heart. I calmly walked back to that apartment of the bus driver person, since it was evening and it was dark outside.

Big moment; Next morning, woke up, got ready, spoke with that guy a bit near a coffee or something. Around 9 am I went outside, this time all over to the doors of ex’s apartment. I gathered up courage, and… Okay maybe I stood in front of his doors for a while, but eventually I rang a bell. His mum let me in. She knows about all the past we had, sadly and the situation that we’re in right now. I miss his parents, too. A lot. They were part of family. Anyway, all that together was weird, unexpected, and I asked if my ex was home. Would’ve been a shame if he wasn’t, all this for nothing.. I opened the doors of his room, and whatever he was doing, he stood up. I slowly walked by near him with no words. And there was just this silence and long eye contact. I wanted to say a lot, yet there was nothing to say. He was fighting with his thoughts yet he was blank. His long dark-brown, silky, yet messy hair falling down his cheek. His deep, dark eyes. His soft skin. Did I want to kiss him? Yes. But no. I wanted to feel his touch. But it would be wrong. We both knew the relationship was not going to happen. I cheated on him. I have a boyfriend. Yet I was standing there right in front of him. Looking at his shiny, disappointed eyes. I was on edge to cry. He was, too. The hug wasn’t appropriate, either. There’s nothing we could do. Was this visit a mistake? Did I just fuck up both of our lives by just showing up? He was my life. Things ended so roughly. There was something needed to be done, yet nothing we could do. I am missing him, and its killing me that I can’t do anything about it. Standing there inches away front of him, feeling his warmth, such inviting smell, yet no single touch. This is so wrong. Yet so right.

For the end of dream, the guy said that he will pick me up around 3 pm and that we will head to the bus that’s leaving around then. Because, after all, I’ve spent more than half cash just for the bus drive to here, and had no other chance to return. Parallel to that, my mum is working again, should come to visit me today afternoon to bring me some groceries. I would tell her that I’ve been outside with friends and that I’ll be home late. That’s it. Perfect lie.

It was just a dream. Now I feel love towards someone else. But why is it still so hard, even though the decision is done long ago?

And now I am pretty confused. Having a question mark flying above my head. I got over him, or didn’t I?  I still want him so bad, yet I know its over. And I did get over him. But I would give anything to have a piece of past just for a moment. Just as it was in the dream. I did give everything, because I know I am capable of doing something like that. That is why I am so confused right now, because I’ve always done stupid things in love. And this love is over, yet its still cooking up inside of me.

Or was it reality? Reality that just did not happen yet.

And honestly, I like the way I lived my life in this dream. Those are my honest wishes how my future shall look like. Messy, unorganized, adventurous.

I’ll always love him.