My feelings are playing with me. My dreams too. I don’t know whats the right thing to do while feelings are dragging me on two sides.

Dreams really aren’t helpful. They just showed me what I could’ve had if I chose the other path, and I feel so sad about it now. I feel such power and need to fuck everything else off and go for that goal I dreamt of, because It’s something that would shape my life totally differently, and heart says “go for it”, too.

BUT I CHOSE THE OTHER PATH! The one I thought it was better and smarter. The one I thought about a lot, and came to conclusion that it was better and easier to preform. Easier for me and people around me involved. For now.

But what about future? What if this path is wrong if I am taking it to long roads? I am really confused and worried because all this really means a lot to me. But I made a decision and I need to stick to it now. You have no clue how many times I’ve changed my mind. I need to stick to my decision and I will. – But it’s so hard. And so painful when the other path flashes through your eyes and you get to see what you could’ve had.

But I must stick to my decision whether it was right or wrong! I chose it with a reason.

What was the dream about here? It was a kiss. A simple kiss that messed up my mind and everything I fought for. Was a guy.
It’s so hard to let go of that thought. But I must. And I chose to write it all down here as soon as I got up instead of texting him, because that would then be a disaster and I would continue playing with other people’s feeling.

I feel like such a monster, but it’s not me! My feelings are playing with me!

– And whatever else you thought of while reading this could be right if you found yourself somewhere in lines.

– 9:51 am. Good morning and have a nice day.

*30 minutes after I finished writing whats cooking up in my mind;

“I feel like there’s nothing else I can do. I will accept the path I chose and try to flow with it. I just wish if stuff didn’t work this way. I.. just wanna disappear. And run away from everything. If I can’t have it my way then I don’t wanna have it any other way. Why can’t I just have it as I wish? Life sucks. Everything sucks. I’d just go to sleep and stay in bed whole day. Oh, but I have chores today. Whole day at some celebration with tons of food+people I wish to avoid, then some homework afterwards, LET ME DISAPPEAR.”

Just let me disappear :(