How is life treating you?
What do you think about life?
What do you want from it?

Where my thoughts take me during those rare deep sleepless nights~

I am sad lately because I don’t really manage to find time to feel. Just to feel. 
I am sad because I don’t give myself a chance often enough to enjoy the moments.
I’m feeling guilt because I’m not sad often enough to feel.

How is life lately? – It’s going great!
Except. It’s going too fast. Too busy and focused. Just going forward. Going forward without stopping and feeling. It’s great because you aren’t really sad, and you aren’t sad because you’re going forward and not looking back.

And then it hits me. – I’m sad! I’m feeling guilt because I haven’t looked back in a longer while.

And whats so special about stopping and feeling? Is that it motivates me.
I might stop and look behind, feel like a complete shit for a moment or two, But if you just know how hard it swings me and pushes me forward!
And then, when I remember some of the moments from my life or the joy I used to feel while doing something or being somewhere, then that was IT. The emptiness that causes pain, pain which makes you feel the heat, and the heat – that makes you remember all the joy you once felt. That’t what makes it so dam special.

Don’t you know that feeling when.. When you’re sad, you’re shaken, you’re practically broken inside and then when that little, yet strong and shiny piece of will and motivation hits you? – And you feel like you could do anything you wish for!
I know that feeling! And I love it.

Although, there are also times when you don’t really feel motivated afterwards. Sometimes I just feel so down like I couldn’t sink any lower, and what should scare me is – that I don’t mind it, at all. Just feeling so blank and empty, like having a black hole in my chest. Which leads to thinking of the whole universe as it is, in comparison to you, and how much do you actually worth..  Which all leads to feeling one big nothing. Anhedonia.

We all are living in a dream. I wanna dream. Leave me to dream.
Everything is actually a mess.

Do you know that heat that pain makes you feel!!? It makes me feel alive! 

It’s where my demons hide.

 

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