It goes far far back in the past, back when I did not even know eating disorder was a thing. I’ve never been completely happy with myself. At the moment I am crossing the upper line. And people are letting me know that. And that makes me want to drop down. Down bellow.
I always binge ate and felt horrible afterwards, and as the time passed, I came to the idea that puking it out would make me feel better; physically AND mentally. As more time was passing, my thinking of how to get rid of that food went into action. And I kept thinking –“Shall I do it? Shall I puke? Lets go!” – I’d go to the bathroom, kneel in front of the toilet and put fingers down my throat, and it didn’t go out. At the first little gag I would stop and go back to bed wanting to pass out. And those actions kept going on for a while, but it didn’t pass longer than a month/two until I finally puked for the first time.

I’t was disgusting! But it felt fucking amazing! Powerful! – So after that first time vomiting I googled for some tips about it, health advises and similar. I came up to some advises of how to puke, possible risks, also stuff about bulimia which I did not take very seriously. I puked only once by then, thought maybe it will happen few more times so it’s not a biggie.

So next few times after I binge ate during my diet I puked it out much easier. I don’t think that I puked over 10 times overall, and then I set myself one rule; “No puking more than once weekly!” – And I stuck to that rule, and I was happy. I found adorable those red freckles that showed up around my eyes after vomiting, *giggles*.
(Weak blood vessels that popped due to higher pressure)

Last time I puked was for Christmas and my throat hurt so bad, it was a bit freaky, so since then I decided to stop. For now. I really don’t want to put my health in danger. And right now I put myself on diet and I will see how it will go.

Once you lose some weight, the motivation to lose more is already there.
Near the diet I set myself few other goals, like giving a bit more focus to school, less computer, more focusing on social life. But so far that’s only dreaming. All depends on how strict will I stick to my goal.
And what I’m saying is; You have a goal? Go for it! Stick to it! Do anything that will make you reach it! – But don’t go over the line!

I’ve been googling around to find Ana buddy. I’ve been on diets before and I’ve lost over 30 lbs per diet, but they ended after reaching a goal and I pretty much gained most of it back. I am searching for someone who would need a motivation too and don’t mind being strict with each other, as long as we make ourselves stick to the diet.
Current weight: 165 lbs /76 kg  ( Update: 28.6.2016. CW: 65 kg )
Goal weight: 140 lbs, 130 lbs, for now.
Height: 5’6′
Thinspo photos… I find them sick and unhealthy, yet so powerful and motivating.
Contact me on mail if you think we could help each other, it would help a lot.

Stay smart. Make a goal. Any goal. Stick to it. Try to control yourself and stay motivated!