It goes far far back in the past, back when I did not even know eating disorder was a thing. I’ve never been completely happy with myself. At the moment I am crossing the upper line. And people are letting me know that. And that makes me want to drop down. Down bellow.
I always binge ate and felt horrible afterwards, and as the time passed, I came to the idea that puking it out would make me feel better; physically AND mentally. As more time was passing, my thinking of how to get rid of that food went into action. And I kept thinking –“Shall I do it? Shall I puke? Lets go!” – I’d go to the bathroom, kneel in front of the toilet and put fingers down my throat, and it didn’t go out. At the first little gag I would stop and go back to bed wanting to pass out. And those actions kept going on for a while, but it didn’t pass longer than a month/two until I finally puked for the first time.
I’t was disgusting! But it felt fucking amazing! Powerful! – So after that first time vomiting, I googled for some tips about it, health advises and similar. I came up to some advises of how to puke, possible risks, also stuff about bulimia which I did not take very seriously. I puked only once by then, thought maybe it will happen few more times so it’s not a biggie.
So next few times after I binge ate during my diet I puked it out much easier. I don’t think that I puked over 10 times overall, and then I set myself one rule; “No puking more than once weekly!” – And I stuck to that rule, and I was happy. I found adorable those red freckles that showed up around my eyes after vomiting, *giggles*.
(Weak blood vessels that popped due to higher pressure)
Last time I puked was for Christmas and my throat hurt so bad, it was a bit freaky, so since then I decided to stop. For now. I really don’t want to put my health in danger. And right now I put myself on diet and I will see how it will go.
Once you lose some weight, the motivation to lose more is already there.
Near the diet I set myself few other goals, like giving a bit more focus to school, less computer, more focusing on social life. But so far that’s only dreaming. All depends on how strict will I stick to my goal.
And what I’m saying is; You have a goal? Go for it! Stick to it! Do anything that will make you reach it! – But don’t go over the line!
Current weight: 165 lbs /76 kg ( Update: 28.6.2016. CW: 65 kg )
Goal weight: 140 lbs, 130 lbs, for now.
Thinspo photos… I find them sick and unhealthy, yet so powerful and motivating.